Last Monday was one of those days I will probably remember for the rest of my life. Like the day I found out I was pregnant or the day Teagan was born. I had talked to Chris about a month ago and he said Teagan and I should come up to Qdoba sometime; He'd like to see the baby just once.
It was all I had hoped for in the begining. That he would see my son sometime. Just once was all I would ask but after almost a year of not seeing him and absolutely no communication and no effort on his part, I didn't care anymore. Teagan was my son. I had gotten over the idea that he was Chris's baby too and it just didn't matter to me anymore whether he saw Teagan or not. That was up to him to be done on his time if ever.
So needless to say I was first shocked, then thankful, then unsure. Maybe I should just let it go and continue moving on. I considered it for a few weeks. Then we got news that forced me to remember life is short, unexpected things happen and now is all we have. This wasn't about me or how I felt. This was about my son. And while I know it may be difficult to explain I want to be able to tell him that his dad saw him and held him. Even if it was just once, I think it may mean something to Tegan when he is older.
So we went. I like to plan things but this wasn't planned. It was more of a Nike moment-"just do it." Considering everything, it went very well. It was really sweet for me to see Chris holding my son. To see how much Teagan looks like him and to see Chris interact with him. It's a picture I will never forget.Even though I still sometimes think Chris is an asshole, he really is a nice guy. So in that moment I realized I was sad. Sad that Teagan will miss out on knowing that side of Chris.
It was bittersweet and it was hard. I somehow had the guts to tell Chris how hard it was and how much he hurt me. Saying that to his face made closure allot more closed for me. And I even managed to hold myself together until I got home. Then I cried. All night and all morning. But then it was over. After a whole year it was all over. Finished. The end. And Teagan and I took a step forward in a new direction.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Friday, December 19, 2008
Kisses
I can't tell you the rush of emotions that spilled over me when I heard that baby's cry. A few tears even managed to escape from my eyes. It was a perfect moment if ever there was one.
After a few minutes, one of the nurses put Teagan near my lips and said, "Give baby a kiss." And just like that a whole new part of my life started with a kiss.
After a few minutes, one of the nurses put Teagan near my lips and said, "Give baby a kiss." And just like that a whole new part of my life started with a kiss.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Reflections
As most of you dedicated blog readers know my little boy, Teagan James Kreifels, was born Saturday November 22nd, at 9:35 am. Reflecting on that moment and the 29 hours leading up to it bring a rush of emotions, thoughts and unforgettable memories.
I woke at 3:30 Friday morning to a slightly wet bed. Disgusted and frustrated, I had finally come to the ultimate embarrassing moment of wetting my pants. Just as I was slipping into my nice, and may I mention dry, pjs it happened again! I couldn't believe it and by now I was fully ticked off. Another pair of pants, a few towels and a quick look in my pregnancy book confirmed it. My water broke. And how relived I was to know I didn't pee my pants!
I wasn't feeling any strong contractions and so we took our time getting to the hospital. We arrived around 5:30, got checked in and about an hour later was admitted. I was still not feeling strong contractions so after being checked, monitored, ect. mom and I went for breakfast in the cafeteria.
And here is where things became a blur. Mom and I spent Friday morning and afternoon walking the halls as the contractions became stronger. We bought magazines and called family to inform them that this was for real.
My Aunt came in from Red Oak to be there and my dad came too. I remember random things like siting in the rocking chair, watching I Love Lucy reruns, stretching on the birthing ball, taking a nice hot shower and listening to Sweetest Girl on my Ipod.
Friday was soon over and I was now convinced that this little boy was never ever coming out. With the doctors encouragement, we decided to try some inducing. We started with Sedal (please excuse the spelling) which helped a little but not enough. At this point the doctors were beginning to wonder if we might have to do a c-section but I wanted to try everything possible to have this baby the natural way. When the decision was made to start Patocin, we also decided to do the epidural. I really didn't want to but how I thanked God for the invention of medicine when the pain subsided. One whole day of being in labor was about all I could take!
After pushing for two hours, the doctor said we had two options-we could try forceps or go straight to c-section. And we did try the forceps and the vacuum. I have never tried so hard for anything in my life, I wanted that baby out so bad but someone had a different plan.
By the time they wheeled me back to the operating room I was exhausted beyond explanation, shivering cold, shaking uncontrollably and desperately trying to remember the 23rd psalm.
After fifteen long minutes I felt a tug, heard a little noise, then the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. My baby's first cry.
I woke at 3:30 Friday morning to a slightly wet bed. Disgusted and frustrated, I had finally come to the ultimate embarrassing moment of wetting my pants. Just as I was slipping into my nice, and may I mention dry, pjs it happened again! I couldn't believe it and by now I was fully ticked off. Another pair of pants, a few towels and a quick look in my pregnancy book confirmed it. My water broke. And how relived I was to know I didn't pee my pants!
I wasn't feeling any strong contractions and so we took our time getting to the hospital. We arrived around 5:30, got checked in and about an hour later was admitted. I was still not feeling strong contractions so after being checked, monitored, ect. mom and I went for breakfast in the cafeteria.
And here is where things became a blur. Mom and I spent Friday morning and afternoon walking the halls as the contractions became stronger. We bought magazines and called family to inform them that this was for real.
My Aunt came in from Red Oak to be there and my dad came too. I remember random things like siting in the rocking chair, watching I Love Lucy reruns, stretching on the birthing ball, taking a nice hot shower and listening to Sweetest Girl on my Ipod.
Friday was soon over and I was now convinced that this little boy was never ever coming out. With the doctors encouragement, we decided to try some inducing. We started with Sedal (please excuse the spelling) which helped a little but not enough. At this point the doctors were beginning to wonder if we might have to do a c-section but I wanted to try everything possible to have this baby the natural way. When the decision was made to start Patocin, we also decided to do the epidural. I really didn't want to but how I thanked God for the invention of medicine when the pain subsided. One whole day of being in labor was about all I could take!
After pushing for two hours, the doctor said we had two options-we could try forceps or go straight to c-section. And we did try the forceps and the vacuum. I have never tried so hard for anything in my life, I wanted that baby out so bad but someone had a different plan.
By the time they wheeled me back to the operating room I was exhausted beyond explanation, shivering cold, shaking uncontrollably and desperately trying to remember the 23rd psalm.
After fifteen long minutes I felt a tug, heard a little noise, then the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. My baby's first cry.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Big Sister
If you happen to know me, then you know I am the oldest in my family. I have a 16-year- old sister Maggie, 14-year-old brother James, a 12-year-old brother Peter and last but not least a seven-year-old sister Emma. Now, if you have younger siblings yourself you also identify with the joys( and pains!)of being the first born.
The house is at times a disaster. It is so loud, I grumble and complain, selfishly hoping the reminder that a baby will soon be here encourages the noise level to come down, the wrestling to cease and the floor to be forever clear of debris. On any given day I may willing trade them for little peace of mind. And they know this.
But I often wonder if they know this. Despite my whining and not so nice "comebacks," my unthoughtful remarks and over the past few months extreme irrational behavior (for no reason of course) I love them to death.
I love how Maggie offers hugs and smiles. How she sings at the top of her lungs and encourages us all to "let loose." As her nickname implies she brings sunshine to all of us!
How I loved going shopping with James for his first Homecoming attire and seeing how he looked like a young man instead of my little brother. I may hate to admit it but I would miss the joyful noises and hysterical antics he brings to the table-both literally and figuratively speaking!
I used to think Peter was the quiet one of the family but quite suddenly he has broken out of his shell! I can't believe the little baby who used to spit peaches at me and stain my clothes with his poopy diapers is so old. One of my favorite things about Peter is that he has a remarkable ability to remember nearly every line from any given movie. I love the "I'm a corporate puppet" scene he reenacts from Fun With Dick and Jane.
Emma has been my helper,preparing everything from cookies to the baby's room. She is so cute with her questions and realizations-Like "Oh I didn't know that's how you fed a baby! I thought the milk came from your armpits!" She is learning so much at her young age.
So I wonder if they know how much I love them. I don't think I've told them or shown them often enough, especially these past nine months. Overwhelmed by their love and support I am caught wondering how I will ever make it up to them.
Because they are so important to me I sometimes feel embarrassed around them. You see, they deserve a sister who is so much better. I have often wondered what it would be like to be in their shoes. What it would be like to have an older sister who is pregnant, an older sister who is me.
I want so bad to be the best big sister but I feel like I have fallen so far from the mark. I just hope they know I am trying my best, I love them to death and I would never, ever trade them. Not for the world and not even for a little peace of mind.
The house is at times a disaster. It is so loud, I grumble and complain, selfishly hoping the reminder that a baby will soon be here encourages the noise level to come down, the wrestling to cease and the floor to be forever clear of debris. On any given day I may willing trade them for little peace of mind. And they know this.
But I often wonder if they know this. Despite my whining and not so nice "comebacks," my unthoughtful remarks and over the past few months extreme irrational behavior (for no reason of course) I love them to death.
I love how Maggie offers hugs and smiles. How she sings at the top of her lungs and encourages us all to "let loose." As her nickname implies she brings sunshine to all of us!
How I loved going shopping with James for his first Homecoming attire and seeing how he looked like a young man instead of my little brother. I may hate to admit it but I would miss the joyful noises and hysterical antics he brings to the table-both literally and figuratively speaking!
I used to think Peter was the quiet one of the family but quite suddenly he has broken out of his shell! I can't believe the little baby who used to spit peaches at me and stain my clothes with his poopy diapers is so old. One of my favorite things about Peter is that he has a remarkable ability to remember nearly every line from any given movie. I love the "I'm a corporate puppet" scene he reenacts from Fun With Dick and Jane.
Emma has been my helper,preparing everything from cookies to the baby's room. She is so cute with her questions and realizations-Like "Oh I didn't know that's how you fed a baby! I thought the milk came from your armpits!" She is learning so much at her young age.
So I wonder if they know how much I love them. I don't think I've told them or shown them often enough, especially these past nine months. Overwhelmed by their love and support I am caught wondering how I will ever make it up to them.
Because they are so important to me I sometimes feel embarrassed around them. You see, they deserve a sister who is so much better. I have often wondered what it would be like to be in their shoes. What it would be like to have an older sister who is pregnant, an older sister who is me.
I want so bad to be the best big sister but I feel like I have fallen so far from the mark. I just hope they know I am trying my best, I love them to death and I would never, ever trade them. Not for the world and not even for a little peace of mind.
And Another Monday Rolls Around
Here we are only seven days away from my due date and I am scared shit-less. And to mention the many other waves of emotions... First confidence and determination. Then despair because the baby has not yet come "early" and I am beginning to think he may never come at all.Although rumor has it that his birth is inevitable, I am still not convinced.
Next I am drenched with the wave of panic. How IN THE WORLD will I get through labor?! Is it possible to die from pain? Because I think I might. Needless to say this past weekend has been an emotional rollercoaster. And trying to stay on top of all these emotions has left me a bit drained and somewhat depressed.
Sometimes it seems as if I count my life in Mondays. Another Monday rolls around and, nothing. I am still here, still pregnant and although the weeks and months may be passing by I still feel stuck. And I wonder, after the baby's born, if that will change things, if I will still feel like I do in this moment. Will I still feel that twinge of sadness or doubt?Will I still feel the sting of being hurt? Will it always take so long to move on and will I be able to handle the many challenges ahead?
Are our lives really counted in Mondays or is there eventually a point when each day will begin to blend together? Looking over our shoulder will we not see a line of Mondays marking our lives but a picture explaining the why of where we have been?
Next I am drenched with the wave of panic. How IN THE WORLD will I get through labor?! Is it possible to die from pain? Because I think I might. Needless to say this past weekend has been an emotional rollercoaster. And trying to stay on top of all these emotions has left me a bit drained and somewhat depressed.
Sometimes it seems as if I count my life in Mondays. Another Monday rolls around and, nothing. I am still here, still pregnant and although the weeks and months may be passing by I still feel stuck. And I wonder, after the baby's born, if that will change things, if I will still feel like I do in this moment. Will I still feel that twinge of sadness or doubt?Will I still feel the sting of being hurt? Will it always take so long to move on and will I be able to handle the many challenges ahead?
Are our lives really counted in Mondays or is there eventually a point when each day will begin to blend together? Looking over our shoulder will we not see a line of Mondays marking our lives but a picture explaining the why of where we have been?
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
When God Smiles
The past few weeks I have been desperately wanting a pair of slippers to take to the hospital. I had been keeping my eye out but was not willing to spend the thirty-or-so dollars for a nice pair. I even cringed at spending ten dollars on a pair from Wal-Mart!
It just so happens that I was strolling through the slipper section at Kohls and what did I find but a pair of slippers. The last pair. Not only were they the last pair but they we my exact size AND, for the best part, they were only ONE DOLLAR and EIGHTY CENTS! I couldn't believe it!
It is in these moments when God smiles that I am reminded among the overwhelming amount of chaos there is someone who knows what I need. I know slippers are not a necessity but it was like finding a little post it note that said, "Katie everything is going to be ok-enjoy the slippers. Love, God." And it made me cry.
It just so happens that I was strolling through the slipper section at Kohls and what did I find but a pair of slippers. The last pair. Not only were they the last pair but they we my exact size AND, for the best part, they were only ONE DOLLAR and EIGHTY CENTS! I couldn't believe it!
It is in these moments when God smiles that I am reminded among the overwhelming amount of chaos there is someone who knows what I need. I know slippers are not a necessity but it was like finding a little post it note that said, "Katie everything is going to be ok-enjoy the slippers. Love, God." And it made me cry.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
From Months to Weeks and Days
I can't believe I have come so far in my pregnancy already! Some days I still feel caught on that rainy day in March when I first found out. I can't believed I survived the difficult days of summer and am finally here-two weeks and two days away from my "projected" due date!
Ask me ten days ago if I were ready and I would have hesitated, maybe mumbling a yes. Ask me now and you will get a definite Yes. I am ready! The crib is up, sheets on the bed, clothes washed, blankets folded and freezer meals are made. I keep telling little baby blessing that he can come any time now(Although I think he is afraid to come out into this cold weather!).
The past few weeks I have been overcome with a sense of peace. I can feel that the day is coming soon when I get to meet baby and I am so happy. God continues to surround me with assurance and whisper in my ear that everything is going to work out just fine.
Ask me ten days ago if I were ready and I would have hesitated, maybe mumbling a yes. Ask me now and you will get a definite Yes. I am ready! The crib is up, sheets on the bed, clothes washed, blankets folded and freezer meals are made. I keep telling little baby blessing that he can come any time now(Although I think he is afraid to come out into this cold weather!).
The past few weeks I have been overcome with a sense of peace. I can feel that the day is coming soon when I get to meet baby and I am so happy. God continues to surround me with assurance and whisper in my ear that everything is going to work out just fine.
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