I have days where I am sad, angry, hurt. I think about him and I just wanna smack him! I don't blame everything on him, even when I want to.
The thing is this. I hate how he can just walk away and forget about it.It hurts how he told me to get rid of it. Just because he doesn't want it, just because he thinks it is messing up his whole life, doesn't mean it isn't his.
I think, in a way, I am jealous. I'm jealous that he has the freedom to do what ever he wants and take no responsibility. That he can just pretend like nothing happened and continue with his life-everything as it was.
I hate that he gets to be so damn happy with his perfect skinny girlfriend. I hate that I'm hurt and to be honest I just hate that he can get away with this while I can't.
So here i am ranting and raving-letting off steam.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
Promise to Protect
It is a strange feeling to find out you're nineteen and pregnant. I went through a few weeks of shock and denial but then in one moment I realized. I realized I am not just having this baby, I'm keeping it,it is mine, part of me. Someday this little being inside me will call me mom and that scares the hell out of me.
I wonder if I will be a good mom, if my baby will like me. I wonder what it will be like to have a baby and watch it grow up. I know nothing of raising kids or teaching them about life.
I told my mom the other day that nine months is not long enough to prepare someone to be a mother, or to even comprehend what that means. She wittily responded, "Honey, twenty years is not enough!"
In that moment when I realized that this was more than just being pregnant, I was given another feeling. A strong sense of protection. Maybe it's not the perfect situation in which I wanted to find myself pregnant and though I'm not excited yet, I feel the need and desire to keep this little person safe.
I will love and care for my baby with a promise to protect both now and the years ahead.
I wonder if I will be a good mom, if my baby will like me. I wonder what it will be like to have a baby and watch it grow up. I know nothing of raising kids or teaching them about life.
I told my mom the other day that nine months is not long enough to prepare someone to be a mother, or to even comprehend what that means. She wittily responded, "Honey, twenty years is not enough!"
In that moment when I realized that this was more than just being pregnant, I was given another feeling. A strong sense of protection. Maybe it's not the perfect situation in which I wanted to find myself pregnant and though I'm not excited yet, I feel the need and desire to keep this little person safe.
I will love and care for my baby with a promise to protect both now and the years ahead.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Juno
I'm not quite sure what it's like to feel pregnant but the first few times I suspected I was happened to be the night I went to see Juno.
JohnDoe and I were gonna go see a movie that night but he had sent me a text earlier explaining that something really important had come up. I wasn't sure how to take it, I believed him but in the back of my mind I was afraid he just didn't wanna hang out with me.
I was disappointed but I didn't want to spend my Friday night depressed so I gave my friend a call. She didn't answer and didn't respond to my txt so I was like screw this!
I was starving so I went and got some dinner then went to the ten o'clock showing. I guess you could say I felt pregnant then. I think It's because I cried during most of the movie and for some odd reason I felt like I could relate.
JohnDoe and I were gonna go see a movie that night but he had sent me a text earlier explaining that something really important had come up. I wasn't sure how to take it, I believed him but in the back of my mind I was afraid he just didn't wanna hang out with me.
I was disappointed but I didn't want to spend my Friday night depressed so I gave my friend a call. She didn't answer and didn't respond to my txt so I was like screw this!
I was starving so I went and got some dinner then went to the ten o'clock showing. I guess you could say I felt pregnant then. I think It's because I cried during most of the movie and for some odd reason I felt like I could relate.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Positive
Two pink lines. Two goddamn pink lines. It didn't really register at first, in fact it still hasn't really registered.
I took a second test and I saw the same two pink lines again. I spent most of the afternoon trying to convince myself that the 99.9% accuracy label on the box meant nothing but I needed to know for sure so I scheduled a doctor appointment for the next morning.
I tried to hold back the tears as the doctor told me the test was positive. He was really nice about it though. He asked how I felt about abortion and I told him I feel very strongly that it is wrong. He asked other things like if I would keep the baby and I said yes. No matter the situation, I think life, or the potential for life, should be respected.
There was alot more on my mind that day. Like the fact that I could never tell him. And what if she found out. How disappointed will my parents be, what will people say or think?
I felt scared. I felt different like this couldn't be happening, I'm too young to deal with this, and I am so confused.
I took a second test and I saw the same two pink lines again. I spent most of the afternoon trying to convince myself that the 99.9% accuracy label on the box meant nothing but I needed to know for sure so I scheduled a doctor appointment for the next morning.
I tried to hold back the tears as the doctor told me the test was positive. He was really nice about it though. He asked how I felt about abortion and I told him I feel very strongly that it is wrong. He asked other things like if I would keep the baby and I said yes. No matter the situation, I think life, or the potential for life, should be respected.
There was alot more on my mind that day. Like the fact that I could never tell him. And what if she found out. How disappointed will my parents be, what will people say or think?
I felt scared. I felt different like this couldn't be happening, I'm too young to deal with this, and I am so confused.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
It All Started With a Kiss
Actually, It stared with a dare. A game. Who ever thought that an innocent game of truth or dare could get you pregnant?
"I dare you to tell or do something that would show me how you really feel about me", he said. I looked at him for a while, then leaned in and kissed him. Long and soft, he was amazing and can I mention, hott?
We pulled away and smiled like a couple idiots for a while then the next thing I know he was kissing me. I shouldn't have to explain the details of what happened next. It involved no clothes and alot more kissing.
I remember looking up from his bed to see a picture of his girlfriend on the wall and it hit me right there. He was in love with her and there would be nothing more than sex between us. I forgot about it for a while because I, honest to god, I liked it. He was nice to be with, I liked him, he was hott and I didn't care.
Two weeks went by, then three and I finally accepted the fact that it wasn't love just fun we were having. Still I didn't regret anything. I knew what I did and what he did was wrong. I kept thinking about his girlfriend and how she would feel if she knew but I pushed that out of my mind too.
After three short weeks we stopped hanging out. And then about a month and a half after we first played truth or dare, I took the test.
So, that's how it happened. It all started with a kiss.
"I dare you to tell or do something that would show me how you really feel about me", he said. I looked at him for a while, then leaned in and kissed him. Long and soft, he was amazing and can I mention, hott?
We pulled away and smiled like a couple idiots for a while then the next thing I know he was kissing me. I shouldn't have to explain the details of what happened next. It involved no clothes and alot more kissing.
I remember looking up from his bed to see a picture of his girlfriend on the wall and it hit me right there. He was in love with her and there would be nothing more than sex between us. I forgot about it for a while because I, honest to god, I liked it. He was nice to be with, I liked him, he was hott and I didn't care.
Two weeks went by, then three and I finally accepted the fact that it wasn't love just fun we were having. Still I didn't regret anything. I knew what I did and what he did was wrong. I kept thinking about his girlfriend and how she would feel if she knew but I pushed that out of my mind too.
After three short weeks we stopped hanging out. And then about a month and a half after we first played truth or dare, I took the test.
So, that's how it happened. It all started with a kiss.
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