Big Sister

If you happen to know me, then you know I am the oldest in my family. I have a 16-year- old sister Maggie, 14-year-old brother James, a 12-year-old brother Peter and last but not least a seven-year-old sister Emma. Now, if you have younger siblings yourself you also identify with the joys( and pains!)of being the first born.
The house is at times a disaster. It is so loud, I grumble and complain, selfishly hoping the reminder that a baby will soon be here encourages the noise level to come down, the wrestling to cease and the floor to be forever clear of debris. On any given day I may willing trade them for little peace of mind. And they know this.
But I often wonder if they know this. Despite my whining and not so nice "comebacks," my unthoughtful remarks and over the past few months extreme irrational behavior (for no reason of course) I love them to death.
I love how Maggie offers hugs and smiles. How she sings at the top of her lungs and encourages us all to "let loose." As her nickname implies she brings sunshine to all of us!
How I loved going shopping with James for his first Homecoming attire and seeing how he looked like a young man instead of my little brother. I may hate to admit it but I would miss the joyful noises and hysterical antics he brings to the table-both literally and figuratively speaking!
I used to think Peter was the quiet one of the family but quite suddenly he has broken out of his shell! I can't believe the little baby who used to spit peaches at me and stain my clothes with his poopy diapers is so old. One of my favorite things about Peter is that he has a remarkable ability to remember nearly every line from any given movie. I love the "I'm a corporate puppet" scene he reenacts from Fun With Dick and Jane.
Emma has been my helper,preparing everything from cookies to the baby's room. She is so cute with her questions and realizations-Like "Oh I didn't know that's how you fed a baby! I thought the milk came from your armpits!" She is learning so much at her young age.
So I wonder if they know how much I love them. I don't think I've told them or shown them often enough, especially these past nine months. Overwhelmed by their love and support I am caught wondering how I will ever make it up to them.
Because they are so important to me I sometimes feel embarrassed around them. You see, they deserve a sister who is so much better. I have often wondered what it would be like to be in their shoes. What it would be like to have an older sister who is pregnant, an older sister who is me.
I want so bad to be the best big sister but I feel like I have fallen so far from the mark. I just hope they know I am trying my best, I love them to death and I would never, ever trade them. Not for the world and not even for a little peace of mind.

And Another Monday Rolls Around

Here we are only seven days away from my due date and I am scared shit-less. And to mention the many other waves of emotions... First confidence and determination. Then despair because the baby has not yet come "early" and I am beginning to think he may never come at all.Although rumor has it that his birth is inevitable, I am still not convinced.
Next I am drenched with the wave of panic. How IN THE WORLD will I get through labor?! Is it possible to die from pain? Because I think I might. Needless to say this past weekend has been an emotional rollercoaster. And trying to stay on top of all these emotions has left me a bit drained and somewhat depressed.
Sometimes it seems as if I count my life in Mondays. Another Monday rolls around and, nothing. I am still here, still pregnant and although the weeks and months may be passing by I still feel stuck. And I wonder, after the baby's born, if that will change things, if I will still feel like I do in this moment. Will I still feel that twinge of sadness or doubt?Will I still feel the sting of being hurt? Will it always take so long to move on and will I be able to handle the many challenges ahead?
Are our lives really counted in Mondays or is there eventually a point when each day will begin to blend together? Looking over our shoulder will we not see a line of Mondays marking our lives but a picture explaining the why of where we have been?

When God Smiles

The past few weeks I have been desperately wanting a pair of slippers to take to the hospital. I had been keeping my eye out but was not willing to spend the thirty-or-so dollars for a nice pair. I even cringed at spending ten dollars on a pair from Wal-Mart!
It just so happens that I was strolling through the slipper section at Kohls and what did I find but a pair of slippers. The last pair. Not only were they the last pair but they we my exact size AND, for the best part, they were only ONE DOLLAR and EIGHTY CENTS! I couldn't believe it!
It is in these moments when God smiles that I am reminded among the overwhelming amount of chaos there is someone who knows what I need. I know slippers are not a necessity but it was like finding a little post it note that said, "Katie everything is going to be ok-enjoy the slippers. Love, God." And it made me cry.

From Months to Weeks and Days

I can't believe I have come so far in my pregnancy already! Some days I still feel caught on that rainy day in March when I first found out. I can't believed I survived the difficult days of summer and am finally here-two weeks and two days away from my "projected" due date!
Ask me ten days ago if I were ready and I would have hesitated, maybe mumbling a yes. Ask me now and you will get a definite Yes. I am ready! The crib is up, sheets on the bed, clothes washed, blankets folded and freezer meals are made. I keep telling little baby blessing that he can come any time now(Although I think he is afraid to come out into this cold weather!).
The past few weeks I have been overcome with a sense of peace. I can feel that the day is coming soon when I get to meet baby and I am so happy. God continues to surround me with assurance and whisper in my ear that everything is going to work out just fine.