Times I Wish I Weren't

Ding-Dong. I ran to open the door for the pizza delivery guy and Damn! So hott-and these are the times I wish I weren't pregnant;)

"How'd you get your baby?"

It finally happened. Working with a bunch of kids at Rockbrook I knew the question would come up sometime. After all, it's not every day you see a pregnant teenager...I was kind of afraid of the question to be honest. I could always pull the tipical,"Ask your parents" or " You'll find out when you're older" but kids really hate to hear that.
Anyways, Aria and I were playing Mancala. She started asking questions about when I was going to have my baby, if I eat good food for the baby and then the inevitable. "How'd you get your baby?" she asked. I slightly paused then responded, "God gave it to me."
It satisfied her curious mind and we moved on to more conversation. The reality of what I said didn't hit me until I got home. See it's the truth, God gave me this baby. It wasn't an accident. It's a gift. God gave it to me.

A Snap-shot of Pregnancy Moments

After a not too long day at work all I wanted was a hot shower a coke icee and to go early to bed. Stopping "quick" at Wal-Mart took one hour and fifteen minutes. I came for two essential things and left without them (which I didn't realize until the following day of course!).
Ok so what's for dinner? It's seven thirty, I'm starving. I don't wanna cook I just want that hot shower and coke icee...I really should try and get some sleep before Lamaze tomorrow. Luckily Maggie had some great tasting left-overs so I chowed those down.
Now for the shower. Steamy and hot,it was worth it but I overestimated the time spent relaxing. A quarter 'till nine and still I need that coke icee I have been waiting all week for.
Maggie and I hop in the car to run a few more "quick" errands. Pick up my prescription from Walgreens then get gas and icee at Buckys. The pharmacist says it will be about a half an hour and I realize that early to bed was a half an hour ago. I'm still happy, I'm gonna get my coke icee.
We get to Buckys, pump gas, go inside and an icee does not sound good. Not even a little bit. I want a pie. They don't have any pie. It's ok maybe Walgreens does. They don't.
So we run by Bag'N'Save. Maggie gets Mac and Cheese and Turkey Pot Pie (and who said the pregnant one eats the most...?). I get Ramon noodles to satisfy the craving I now have for pasta. Standing in the frozen food isle, I beg Maggie to pick Mrs. Smith's peach or blueberry pie-I can not decide, and we are on our way.
It is now ten and there we are eating Ramon noodles and Mac and Cheese watching Seinfeld and Everybody Loves Raymond while waiting for our pie to bake. No coke icee and no early to bed, but I am realishing every minute.

Closed Book?

Some how after finding out, the weekend became a blur. Life went on but my world seemed to stand completely still. I went through the motions, going to the doctor's (just to be sure, after all the tests could be wrong...), I bought prenatal vitamins and crackers and I wore my seatbelt all the time.

I remember I told my parents that Sunday. I can't remember when I told him. I think it was a Monday but I'm not sure. I didn't want to say anything in fact, I wasn't planning on telling him until I was quite further along, at least three months or so, but it didn't happen that way.

How ever it happened there we were standing at his car after work. I said I needed to tell him something important but the words "I'm pregnant" stubbornly refused to come out of my mouth. Finally he said it, "Katie are you pregnant?"

I managed a yes and all I heard him say over and over was "No, I don't want this. Oh my god, what if she finds out." I hate that he didn't consider what I might be going through, that he didn't realize how everything he said cut right through me.
I knew it would be more than hard for him to hear. It was the reaction I expected but not the one I hoped for. I expected that he would be mad, pissed, upset and never wanting to see me again but I didn't expect to feel so much rejection.
He said he wished I wouldn't have told him. He would rather not know, that's how upset it made him. That and what he said later...he would want the baby if it was hers. Just because it was ME carrying his child, he didn't want it. I can't explain how that made me feel. It was more than just embarrassing or hurtfull to my pride, it hurt me in a way I didn't know you could hurt and it insulted my humanity.
I guess I have moved on but there's still a bruise, a sore spot so to speak. He asked that night if I blamed him, I can't remember what I said but I know now. I don't blame him for getting me pregnant, not at all, but I do blame him for hurting me through what he said.
I saw him this summer when my mom and I asked him to fill out some medical forms for baby. he said two words, "Hi Katie." My sarcastic mind commented on the irony that he even remembered my name as much as he wanted nothing to do with me. I'm a bitch I know, but I couldn't help it.
I know he wants nothing to do with me or the baby, I know he doesn't want to be involved. Somehow, I still find myself waiting for a phone call or a message. A "how's the baby?" or "is everything going ok?"
Something to show that his first reaction was only an in initial reaction. That he really didn't mean what he said or at least he didn't realize how much it hurt me. I wish I knew that he's accepted it and moved on instead of pushed it out of his mind in denial.
Maybe the right word is closure. But really I just want to know it's a closed book. Nobody blames nobody and everybody's ok with it.

32 Weeks and Nearly Six Months Ago

Now, being exactly 32 weeks along, it is funny to look back past the summer to the first few months of my pregnancy-before I even knew. I remember complaining about how tired I was. So exhausted I could barley wiggle my finger. I must be getting sick I thought. I couldn't get enough sleep, I was nauseous and sick to my stomach but also starving-feed a cold starve a fever, right?

But I wasn't feeding a cold, turns out I was feeding a baby. I never would of though of it, that I might be pregnant, I didn't even enter my mind. I did happen to notice that "Aunt Flow" had not visited me in a while, but I was stressed. I didn't want to consider it really. I had taken multiple pregnancy test before, all negative, but this time I dreaded it. I couldn't tell you why but I guess it's because deep behind the reality of what my mind didn't want to accept, I knew. And I didn't want to. I didn't want proof.

It was Thursday, March 27th. I saw him and his girlfriend, my eyes teared up and I knew I had to take the test. "I must be having his baby, why else would I cry?" Those exact words flowed through my mind. I skipped my last class and went to Target. Pretty much, it was now or never, mom and the kids were gone for the week and dad wouldn't be home today... we know the rest of the story. I took the test, two in fact.