The thing everyone wants to know is what are you craving. And really I'm not craving anything. There are a few foods that sound particularly good though.
Peanut Butter
Frozen Coke Icee (I could drink one everyday)
Honey Nut Cheerios and/or Extra Crunchy Raisin Bran
Toast with black raspberry jam
Pasta
Tuna
I think out of all these the one I crave most is the coke icee! Especially now that it is getting hotter out. I eat Honey Nut Cheerios the most. Most everything sounds ok and doesn't make me sick but the one thing I can't stand is frying hamburger. The smell or raw hamburger is gross!
Monday, May 26, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Now and Then
Thirteen weeks to the day, that's what the doctor said. I can't believe I am already beginning my second trimester...soon the third and then, wow! Some days I still can't believe that I will soon have a baby or even that there is a baby inside of me, but I'm getting used to the idea.
It seems so far away but when I think about how fast this past year has flown by, I know that before I realize it, Thanksgiving will be right around the corner(My due date is November 25th, right around Thanksgiving)! So, I have been thinking ahead a little, not too much because I know alto can happen and that scares me. It was comforting to hear my mom say that things can happen but God will protect my baby. I don't pray much any more, but I pray every night that He will protect my baby and keep it safe.
As I was saying, I have been thinking. Thinking about what it will be like to have a baby, about how things will change, how I will change. And I have been thinking about babies in general, specifically mine. Will it be dark? Will it be tiny? A girl or a boy (I'm sure it's a girl because whenever I talk about it I say, she. And, I really want a girl.I'd love a boy just as much but, I have one of my little sister's old baby shirts and it is so cute! It says love in cute, pink letters-I don't care if it is a boy, my baby's gonna wear it either way!)
I know it's along way off but to be honest, I can't wait to meet it. It see what it looks like, and to hold it. I suppose you could say I feel a little excitement now and then♥
It seems so far away but when I think about how fast this past year has flown by, I know that before I realize it, Thanksgiving will be right around the corner(My due date is November 25th, right around Thanksgiving)! So, I have been thinking ahead a little, not too much because I know alto can happen and that scares me. It was comforting to hear my mom say that things can happen but God will protect my baby. I don't pray much any more, but I pray every night that He will protect my baby and keep it safe.
As I was saying, I have been thinking. Thinking about what it will be like to have a baby, about how things will change, how I will change. And I have been thinking about babies in general, specifically mine. Will it be dark? Will it be tiny? A girl or a boy (I'm sure it's a girl because whenever I talk about it I say, she. And, I really want a girl.I'd love a boy just as much but, I have one of my little sister's old baby shirts and it is so cute! It says love in cute, pink letters-I don't care if it is a boy, my baby's gonna wear it either way!)
I know it's along way off but to be honest, I can't wait to meet it. It see what it looks like, and to hold it. I suppose you could say I feel a little excitement now and then♥
Heartbeat
Today I had my first official doctors appointment. After today I am even more at ease with my doctor. She is really nice and calm and helps me feels relaxed about everything.
The exam this afternoon was the typical beginning with eyes, ears etc and ending with the pelvic exam-not the most fun thing in the world. The best part of the visit was last when I was able to hear my baby's heartbeat. She didn't find it at first and I was a little nervous plus I really was anxious to hear it. She called another doctor in to help her find it and once he did she let me hear it again.
It was amazing really, just amazing-I can't explain it any other way. I still can't believe there is a life inside of me and it is so tiny! I was really surprised how fast the heart was beating and how clear I was able to hear it.
I must say when I heard it I felt a little spark of excitement. I realized this is for real, I am having a baby. For a minute I forgot everything about this situation that makes me sad and I was excited and happy about this baby. I kept telling myself that this will be a good thing, a blessing. But after hearing the heartbeat I actually felt it for the first time.
I heard the fast whooshing-thump sound and as tears pooled in my eyes a smile spread across my face. I can't really explain the feeling I had. I was a feeling I have never had before for some I haven't even met or seen or even felt. It was just a sound. A heartbeat.
The exam this afternoon was the typical beginning with eyes, ears etc and ending with the pelvic exam-not the most fun thing in the world. The best part of the visit was last when I was able to hear my baby's heartbeat. She didn't find it at first and I was a little nervous plus I really was anxious to hear it. She called another doctor in to help her find it and once he did she let me hear it again.
It was amazing really, just amazing-I can't explain it any other way. I still can't believe there is a life inside of me and it is so tiny! I was really surprised how fast the heart was beating and how clear I was able to hear it.
I must say when I heard it I felt a little spark of excitement. I realized this is for real, I am having a baby. For a minute I forgot everything about this situation that makes me sad and I was excited and happy about this baby. I kept telling myself that this will be a good thing, a blessing. But after hearing the heartbeat I actually felt it for the first time.
I heard the fast whooshing-thump sound and as tears pooled in my eyes a smile spread across my face. I can't really explain the feeling I had. I was a feeling I have never had before for some I haven't even met or seen or even felt. It was just a sound. A heartbeat.
Friday, May 9, 2008
When You can't Breath
Yesterday, I guess you could say I lost it. It was a beautiful day outside and I was at school. There are times when I can hide my tears behind a somewhat happy face but ever since becoming pregnant, water shoots from my eyes like a fountain!
I saw Chris and his girlfriend and how damn happy they were and I broke down. I cried some sad but mostly angry tears. Angry at him and myself. It all finally hit me. Everything is changing, the rest of my life I will be a mom. I won't be able to visit Africa, spend a year in Belize or go to school out of state. I can't even afford an apartment how will I support a child? All of this, everything happened because of one night I spent with someone who doesn't give a shit about me. I was so angry.
And i hated him too. I hated, not that he got me pregnant cause it took the both of us, but I hate that he just said nothing. That he just walked away, couldn't even tell me to my face. I hate that he doesn't have to deal with anything. I hate that I actually thought he liked me. I hate that, no matter what he says, he used me and he is not the person I thought he was.
I can't explain how upset I was. By the time I got home tears and black mascara were pouring down my face and my heart was pounding so loud I couldn't even hear my own sobs. I ran in side and downstairs to the garage where I beat the shit out of my brother's punching bag. After a few minutes when I realized I couldn't even breath I went inside to my mom.
She let me cry and yell, she held me and told me that in time I would forgive Chris for everything he said and didn't do. She said it's understandable to to be upset, it hurts to be walked on.
Eventually my emotions were released and exhausted. I wonder sometimes how I will let go of getting hurt. I wonder if I will be able to say, Chris I forgive you for hurting me. It won't be today or tomorrow. It may in a few months or not until next year. But someday it will happen.
I saw Chris and his girlfriend and how damn happy they were and I broke down. I cried some sad but mostly angry tears. Angry at him and myself. It all finally hit me. Everything is changing, the rest of my life I will be a mom. I won't be able to visit Africa, spend a year in Belize or go to school out of state. I can't even afford an apartment how will I support a child? All of this, everything happened because of one night I spent with someone who doesn't give a shit about me. I was so angry.
And i hated him too. I hated, not that he got me pregnant cause it took the both of us, but I hate that he just said nothing. That he just walked away, couldn't even tell me to my face. I hate that he doesn't have to deal with anything. I hate that I actually thought he liked me. I hate that, no matter what he says, he used me and he is not the person I thought he was.
I can't explain how upset I was. By the time I got home tears and black mascara were pouring down my face and my heart was pounding so loud I couldn't even hear my own sobs. I ran in side and downstairs to the garage where I beat the shit out of my brother's punching bag. After a few minutes when I realized I couldn't even breath I went inside to my mom.
She let me cry and yell, she held me and told me that in time I would forgive Chris for everything he said and didn't do. She said it's understandable to to be upset, it hurts to be walked on.
Eventually my emotions were released and exhausted. I wonder sometimes how I will let go of getting hurt. I wonder if I will be able to say, Chris I forgive you for hurting me. It won't be today or tomorrow. It may in a few months or not until next year. But someday it will happen.
Days and Weeks
The weeks seem to be going by pretty fast but the days on the other hand seem to linger forever. I had my first nurse visit and I met my doctor. She is pretty nice and she has two kids of her own so she knows what it's like to be pregnant.
They took my blood, which I hate. I told the nurse that I can have someone stick a needle in my nose but when I see one go up my arm I tend to freak out a little! Also, I learned that I'm eleven weeks, almost three months which surprised me.
The part that was a little uncomfortable was when she had to ask about both Chris (I mind as well use the real name, he's not around to tell me not to. I know that sounds bitter but it's the truth) and I medical history. I knew all mine of course but obviously nothing about Chris.
I really only know a few things about him. He's not African-American, he's Fillipino (?) and Italian. His birthday is May 23rd and because of that his favorite number is 23. He's color blind, which I still think he was kidding me about. He lived in Orange County before moving here. He has an older sister and a mom, he never knew his dad.
Some people say that since he doesn't really know what it's like to have a father around he is just reacting to this situation in the only way he knows how. I don't think that justifies anything but I do feel bad for him. I remember he told me-I never knew my dad, It was hard but ya know.
So, my twinge of sadness for him didn't make it any less uncomfortable to have to explain to the nurse that I don't know anything about him. And when she asked, I answered No, he's not involved. She asked for his name and i didn't give it. She said I should put it down because then he would have to pay child support. I said I'd think about it but I'm not gonna put it down. Why force someone to do the right thing? Also, that would give him paternal rights and if he doesn't wanna be involved anyway, why should he have any type of rights to my baby.I'm afraid I sound a little bitter today but I'm just putting it like it is.
Besides the long days, the weeks continue to fly by. I'm looking forward to school being over and feeling better, no more nausea please, in the next month. If you think about it, I appreciate any good thoughts or prayers you could send my way:)
They took my blood, which I hate. I told the nurse that I can have someone stick a needle in my nose but when I see one go up my arm I tend to freak out a little! Also, I learned that I'm eleven weeks, almost three months which surprised me.
The part that was a little uncomfortable was when she had to ask about both Chris (I mind as well use the real name, he's not around to tell me not to. I know that sounds bitter but it's the truth) and I medical history. I knew all mine of course but obviously nothing about Chris.
I really only know a few things about him. He's not African-American, he's Fillipino (?) and Italian. His birthday is May 23rd and because of that his favorite number is 23. He's color blind, which I still think he was kidding me about. He lived in Orange County before moving here. He has an older sister and a mom, he never knew his dad.
Some people say that since he doesn't really know what it's like to have a father around he is just reacting to this situation in the only way he knows how. I don't think that justifies anything but I do feel bad for him. I remember he told me-I never knew my dad, It was hard but ya know.
So, my twinge of sadness for him didn't make it any less uncomfortable to have to explain to the nurse that I don't know anything about him. And when she asked, I answered No, he's not involved. She asked for his name and i didn't give it. She said I should put it down because then he would have to pay child support. I said I'd think about it but I'm not gonna put it down. Why force someone to do the right thing? Also, that would give him paternal rights and if he doesn't wanna be involved anyway, why should he have any type of rights to my baby.I'm afraid I sound a little bitter today but I'm just putting it like it is.
Besides the long days, the weeks continue to fly by. I'm looking forward to school being over and feeling better, no more nausea please, in the next month. If you think about it, I appreciate any good thoughts or prayers you could send my way:)
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Baby Blessing
Baby Blessing, that is what my mom decided to call this little being inside of me. It's cute and fitting(besides I felt weird calling a baby "it" all the time). Most everyone that has found out has told me that giving life is always a blessing; it may not seem like it now but when do we ever see things as blessings?
It's taken me a while to warm up to the idea that this is a blessing and not an accident.There are times, like when I'm throwing up or feeling sorry for myself, that I feel this is the furthest thing from a blessing I've ever experienced. I think all the way back to Eve and curse her for eating that damn, delicious apple.
Then I think about tiny fingers and toes, I think about a little person being inside of me and I cry of course, but I also am captured by the wonder of it all. It is so far from my understanding, life is such an amazing miracle and I am caught in a moment of awe. That is when I think, that maybe, maybe everyone is right and maybe this is a blessing.
It's taken me a while to warm up to the idea that this is a blessing and not an accident.There are times, like when I'm throwing up or feeling sorry for myself, that I feel this is the furthest thing from a blessing I've ever experienced. I think all the way back to Eve and curse her for eating that damn, delicious apple.
Then I think about tiny fingers and toes, I think about a little person being inside of me and I cry of course, but I also am captured by the wonder of it all. It is so far from my understanding, life is such an amazing miracle and I am caught in a moment of awe. That is when I think, that maybe, maybe everyone is right and maybe this is a blessing.
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