Yesterday, I guess you could say I lost it. It was a beautiful day outside and I was at school. There are times when I can hide my tears behind a somewhat happy face but ever since becoming pregnant, water shoots from my eyes like a fountain!
I saw Chris and his girlfriend and how damn happy they were and I broke down. I cried some sad but mostly angry tears. Angry at him and myself. It all finally hit me. Everything is changing, the rest of my life I will be a mom. I won't be able to visit Africa, spend a year in Belize or go to school out of state. I can't even afford an apartment how will I support a child? All of this, everything happened because of one night I spent with someone who doesn't give a shit about me. I was so angry.
And i hated him too. I hated, not that he got me pregnant cause it took the both of us, but I hate that he just said nothing. That he just walked away, couldn't even tell me to my face. I hate that he doesn't have to deal with anything. I hate that I actually thought he liked me. I hate that, no matter what he says, he used me and he is not the person I thought he was.
I can't explain how upset I was. By the time I got home tears and black mascara were pouring down my face and my heart was pounding so loud I couldn't even hear my own sobs. I ran in side and downstairs to the garage where I beat the shit out of my brother's punching bag. After a few minutes when I realized I couldn't even breath I went inside to my mom.
She let me cry and yell, she held me and told me that in time I would forgive Chris for everything he said and didn't do. She said it's understandable to to be upset, it hurts to be walked on.
Eventually my emotions were released and exhausted. I wonder sometimes how I will let go of getting hurt. I wonder if I will be able to say, Chris I forgive you for hurting me. It won't be today or tomorrow. It may in a few months or not until next year. But someday it will happen.
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