Kisses

I can't tell you the rush of emotions that spilled over me when I heard that baby's cry. A few tears even managed to escape from my eyes. It was a perfect moment if ever there was one.
After a few minutes, one of the nurses put Teagan near my lips and said, "Give baby a kiss." And just like that a whole new part of my life started with a kiss.

Reflections

As most of you dedicated blog readers know my little boy, Teagan James Kreifels, was born Saturday November 22nd, at 9:35 am. Reflecting on that moment and the 29 hours leading up to it bring a rush of emotions, thoughts and unforgettable memories.

I woke at 3:30 Friday morning to a slightly wet bed. Disgusted and frustrated, I had finally come to the ultimate embarrassing moment of wetting my pants. Just as I was slipping into my nice, and may I mention dry, pjs it happened again! I couldn't believe it and by now I was fully ticked off. Another pair of pants, a few towels and a quick look in my pregnancy book confirmed it. My water broke. And how relived I was to know I didn't pee my pants!

I wasn't feeling any strong contractions and so we took our time getting to the hospital. We arrived around 5:30, got checked in and about an hour later was admitted. I was still not feeling strong contractions so after being checked, monitored, ect. mom and I went for breakfast in the cafeteria.

And here is where things became a blur. Mom and I spent Friday morning and afternoon walking the halls as the contractions became stronger. We bought magazines and called family to inform them that this was for real.
My Aunt came in from Red Oak to be there and my dad came too. I remember random things like siting in the rocking chair, watching I Love Lucy reruns, stretching on the birthing ball, taking a nice hot shower and listening to Sweetest Girl on my Ipod.
Friday was soon over and I was now convinced that this little boy was never ever coming out. With the doctors encouragement, we decided to try some inducing. We started with Sedal (please excuse the spelling) which helped a little but not enough. At this point the doctors were beginning to wonder if we might have to do a c-section but I wanted to try everything possible to have this baby the natural way. When the decision was made to start Patocin, we also decided to do the epidural. I really didn't want to but how I thanked God for the invention of medicine when the pain subsided. One whole day of being in labor was about all I could take!
After pushing for two hours, the doctor said we had two options-we could try forceps or go straight to c-section. And we did try the forceps and the vacuum. I have never tried so hard for anything in my life, I wanted that baby out so bad but someone had a different plan.
By the time they wheeled me back to the operating room I was exhausted beyond explanation, shivering cold, shaking uncontrollably and desperately trying to remember the 23rd psalm.
After fifteen long minutes I felt a tug, heard a little noise, then the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. My baby's first cry.

Big Sister

If you happen to know me, then you know I am the oldest in my family. I have a 16-year- old sister Maggie, 14-year-old brother James, a 12-year-old brother Peter and last but not least a seven-year-old sister Emma. Now, if you have younger siblings yourself you also identify with the joys( and pains!)of being the first born.
The house is at times a disaster. It is so loud, I grumble and complain, selfishly hoping the reminder that a baby will soon be here encourages the noise level to come down, the wrestling to cease and the floor to be forever clear of debris. On any given day I may willing trade them for little peace of mind. And they know this.
But I often wonder if they know this. Despite my whining and not so nice "comebacks," my unthoughtful remarks and over the past few months extreme irrational behavior (for no reason of course) I love them to death.
I love how Maggie offers hugs and smiles. How she sings at the top of her lungs and encourages us all to "let loose." As her nickname implies she brings sunshine to all of us!
How I loved going shopping with James for his first Homecoming attire and seeing how he looked like a young man instead of my little brother. I may hate to admit it but I would miss the joyful noises and hysterical antics he brings to the table-both literally and figuratively speaking!
I used to think Peter was the quiet one of the family but quite suddenly he has broken out of his shell! I can't believe the little baby who used to spit peaches at me and stain my clothes with his poopy diapers is so old. One of my favorite things about Peter is that he has a remarkable ability to remember nearly every line from any given movie. I love the "I'm a corporate puppet" scene he reenacts from Fun With Dick and Jane.
Emma has been my helper,preparing everything from cookies to the baby's room. She is so cute with her questions and realizations-Like "Oh I didn't know that's how you fed a baby! I thought the milk came from your armpits!" She is learning so much at her young age.
So I wonder if they know how much I love them. I don't think I've told them or shown them often enough, especially these past nine months. Overwhelmed by their love and support I am caught wondering how I will ever make it up to them.
Because they are so important to me I sometimes feel embarrassed around them. You see, they deserve a sister who is so much better. I have often wondered what it would be like to be in their shoes. What it would be like to have an older sister who is pregnant, an older sister who is me.
I want so bad to be the best big sister but I feel like I have fallen so far from the mark. I just hope they know I am trying my best, I love them to death and I would never, ever trade them. Not for the world and not even for a little peace of mind.

And Another Monday Rolls Around

Here we are only seven days away from my due date and I am scared shit-less. And to mention the many other waves of emotions... First confidence and determination. Then despair because the baby has not yet come "early" and I am beginning to think he may never come at all.Although rumor has it that his birth is inevitable, I am still not convinced.
Next I am drenched with the wave of panic. How IN THE WORLD will I get through labor?! Is it possible to die from pain? Because I think I might. Needless to say this past weekend has been an emotional rollercoaster. And trying to stay on top of all these emotions has left me a bit drained and somewhat depressed.
Sometimes it seems as if I count my life in Mondays. Another Monday rolls around and, nothing. I am still here, still pregnant and although the weeks and months may be passing by I still feel stuck. And I wonder, after the baby's born, if that will change things, if I will still feel like I do in this moment. Will I still feel that twinge of sadness or doubt?Will I still feel the sting of being hurt? Will it always take so long to move on and will I be able to handle the many challenges ahead?
Are our lives really counted in Mondays or is there eventually a point when each day will begin to blend together? Looking over our shoulder will we not see a line of Mondays marking our lives but a picture explaining the why of where we have been?

When God Smiles

The past few weeks I have been desperately wanting a pair of slippers to take to the hospital. I had been keeping my eye out but was not willing to spend the thirty-or-so dollars for a nice pair. I even cringed at spending ten dollars on a pair from Wal-Mart!
It just so happens that I was strolling through the slipper section at Kohls and what did I find but a pair of slippers. The last pair. Not only were they the last pair but they we my exact size AND, for the best part, they were only ONE DOLLAR and EIGHTY CENTS! I couldn't believe it!
It is in these moments when God smiles that I am reminded among the overwhelming amount of chaos there is someone who knows what I need. I know slippers are not a necessity but it was like finding a little post it note that said, "Katie everything is going to be ok-enjoy the slippers. Love, God." And it made me cry.

From Months to Weeks and Days

I can't believe I have come so far in my pregnancy already! Some days I still feel caught on that rainy day in March when I first found out. I can't believed I survived the difficult days of summer and am finally here-two weeks and two days away from my "projected" due date!
Ask me ten days ago if I were ready and I would have hesitated, maybe mumbling a yes. Ask me now and you will get a definite Yes. I am ready! The crib is up, sheets on the bed, clothes washed, blankets folded and freezer meals are made. I keep telling little baby blessing that he can come any time now(Although I think he is afraid to come out into this cold weather!).
The past few weeks I have been overcome with a sense of peace. I can feel that the day is coming soon when I get to meet baby and I am so happy. God continues to surround me with assurance and whisper in my ear that everything is going to work out just fine.

Times I Wish I Weren't

Ding-Dong. I ran to open the door for the pizza delivery guy and Damn! So hott-and these are the times I wish I weren't pregnant;)

"How'd you get your baby?"

It finally happened. Working with a bunch of kids at Rockbrook I knew the question would come up sometime. After all, it's not every day you see a pregnant teenager...I was kind of afraid of the question to be honest. I could always pull the tipical,"Ask your parents" or " You'll find out when you're older" but kids really hate to hear that.
Anyways, Aria and I were playing Mancala. She started asking questions about when I was going to have my baby, if I eat good food for the baby and then the inevitable. "How'd you get your baby?" she asked. I slightly paused then responded, "God gave it to me."
It satisfied her curious mind and we moved on to more conversation. The reality of what I said didn't hit me until I got home. See it's the truth, God gave me this baby. It wasn't an accident. It's a gift. God gave it to me.

A Snap-shot of Pregnancy Moments

After a not too long day at work all I wanted was a hot shower a coke icee and to go early to bed. Stopping "quick" at Wal-Mart took one hour and fifteen minutes. I came for two essential things and left without them (which I didn't realize until the following day of course!).
Ok so what's for dinner? It's seven thirty, I'm starving. I don't wanna cook I just want that hot shower and coke icee...I really should try and get some sleep before Lamaze tomorrow. Luckily Maggie had some great tasting left-overs so I chowed those down.
Now for the shower. Steamy and hot,it was worth it but I overestimated the time spent relaxing. A quarter 'till nine and still I need that coke icee I have been waiting all week for.
Maggie and I hop in the car to run a few more "quick" errands. Pick up my prescription from Walgreens then get gas and icee at Buckys. The pharmacist says it will be about a half an hour and I realize that early to bed was a half an hour ago. I'm still happy, I'm gonna get my coke icee.
We get to Buckys, pump gas, go inside and an icee does not sound good. Not even a little bit. I want a pie. They don't have any pie. It's ok maybe Walgreens does. They don't.
So we run by Bag'N'Save. Maggie gets Mac and Cheese and Turkey Pot Pie (and who said the pregnant one eats the most...?). I get Ramon noodles to satisfy the craving I now have for pasta. Standing in the frozen food isle, I beg Maggie to pick Mrs. Smith's peach or blueberry pie-I can not decide, and we are on our way.
It is now ten and there we are eating Ramon noodles and Mac and Cheese watching Seinfeld and Everybody Loves Raymond while waiting for our pie to bake. No coke icee and no early to bed, but I am realishing every minute.

Closed Book?

Some how after finding out, the weekend became a blur. Life went on but my world seemed to stand completely still. I went through the motions, going to the doctor's (just to be sure, after all the tests could be wrong...), I bought prenatal vitamins and crackers and I wore my seatbelt all the time.

I remember I told my parents that Sunday. I can't remember when I told him. I think it was a Monday but I'm not sure. I didn't want to say anything in fact, I wasn't planning on telling him until I was quite further along, at least three months or so, but it didn't happen that way.

How ever it happened there we were standing at his car after work. I said I needed to tell him something important but the words "I'm pregnant" stubbornly refused to come out of my mouth. Finally he said it, "Katie are you pregnant?"

I managed a yes and all I heard him say over and over was "No, I don't want this. Oh my god, what if she finds out." I hate that he didn't consider what I might be going through, that he didn't realize how everything he said cut right through me.
I knew it would be more than hard for him to hear. It was the reaction I expected but not the one I hoped for. I expected that he would be mad, pissed, upset and never wanting to see me again but I didn't expect to feel so much rejection.
He said he wished I wouldn't have told him. He would rather not know, that's how upset it made him. That and what he said later...he would want the baby if it was hers. Just because it was ME carrying his child, he didn't want it. I can't explain how that made me feel. It was more than just embarrassing or hurtfull to my pride, it hurt me in a way I didn't know you could hurt and it insulted my humanity.
I guess I have moved on but there's still a bruise, a sore spot so to speak. He asked that night if I blamed him, I can't remember what I said but I know now. I don't blame him for getting me pregnant, not at all, but I do blame him for hurting me through what he said.
I saw him this summer when my mom and I asked him to fill out some medical forms for baby. he said two words, "Hi Katie." My sarcastic mind commented on the irony that he even remembered my name as much as he wanted nothing to do with me. I'm a bitch I know, but I couldn't help it.
I know he wants nothing to do with me or the baby, I know he doesn't want to be involved. Somehow, I still find myself waiting for a phone call or a message. A "how's the baby?" or "is everything going ok?"
Something to show that his first reaction was only an in initial reaction. That he really didn't mean what he said or at least he didn't realize how much it hurt me. I wish I knew that he's accepted it and moved on instead of pushed it out of his mind in denial.
Maybe the right word is closure. But really I just want to know it's a closed book. Nobody blames nobody and everybody's ok with it.

32 Weeks and Nearly Six Months Ago

Now, being exactly 32 weeks along, it is funny to look back past the summer to the first few months of my pregnancy-before I even knew. I remember complaining about how tired I was. So exhausted I could barley wiggle my finger. I must be getting sick I thought. I couldn't get enough sleep, I was nauseous and sick to my stomach but also starving-feed a cold starve a fever, right?

But I wasn't feeding a cold, turns out I was feeding a baby. I never would of though of it, that I might be pregnant, I didn't even enter my mind. I did happen to notice that "Aunt Flow" had not visited me in a while, but I was stressed. I didn't want to consider it really. I had taken multiple pregnancy test before, all negative, but this time I dreaded it. I couldn't tell you why but I guess it's because deep behind the reality of what my mind didn't want to accept, I knew. And I didn't want to. I didn't want proof.

It was Thursday, March 27th. I saw him and his girlfriend, my eyes teared up and I knew I had to take the test. "I must be having his baby, why else would I cry?" Those exact words flowed through my mind. I skipped my last class and went to Target. Pretty much, it was now or never, mom and the kids were gone for the week and dad wouldn't be home today... we know the rest of the story. I took the test, two in fact.

Things We Learn in the Fire

There is an abundance of lessons to be learned as we pass through life situations, something I often refer to as the fire. I think of diamonds and gold and blown glass all the more beautiful when passed through the flame. Sometimes to learn we have to be burned, to be shaped we have to be softened.
As I walked into the WIC office that day, my pride fell and I realized two things. One no matter how bad off I think I am still, I am blessed. The other is more complicated. Nothing makes you more humble than having to ask for help. I never thought of myself as suck up or self-centered but I see now just how far I really have to go concerning the subject of humility. For me, not only asking but also accepting help is hard, as to say it hurts my pride.
I have been overwhelmed by the support of certain people. I don't deserve a single thing and yet I am being blessed. So along with humility, I am learning grace. How to give it and how to receive it. I am also learning trust, because some days are so hard and I'm not sure how things will work out.
While in the midst of life's fires, my hope is that I will emerge humbled. That the lessons will not drift like smoke but that they will remain permanently with me forever.

UpDaTe!

27 weeks and counting...still counting! Little baby blessing continues to stay active, kicking, punching, flipping and goodness knows what else. Mom is staying active too-working with a before school program, looking still for another part-time job , and getting ready to head back to school. The days are filling up with doctor appointments, now every two weeks, and the attempt to exercise everyday.
I'm becoming more excited and more scared each approaching day. Everytime I hear that little heartbeat and feel those kicks, an involuntary smile just spreads across my face. Recently I have begun to think of this baby as mine and only mine. Not "his" baby, but instead my son.
I'm looking forward to becoming a mom and more than that I'm looking forward to starting a new life. Me and my baby. I know it's going to be tough but I also know it's going to be beautiful.

The Best Thing

The time has come to where I am no longer expecting a baby as much as I am waiting-Fifteen weeks and counting! Everything has gone well so far. The baby continues to stay active, kicking and punching all the while his mom seems to be losing her energy more every day!
I have many mixed emotions these days but I can't wait to meet my little guy. I'm so excited to be his mom and take care of him. I sometimes wonder in the back of my mind if my son would be better off with a mom and a dad and a family but the though never lingers. I could never give up my baby, I'm his mom and he's my precious blessing despite the circumstances.
There is no lack in the love I know he will receive. My parents and brothers and sisters, even grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles will give him all the love he deserves and more. There is much uncertainty and fear in becoming a mom but when it comes down to it, there is no doubt in my mind that more than the right thing, this is the best thing.


"I want to give him the world, I want to hold his hand...
I want to show him what it's like to be loved"

Will the Current Carry You Away?

There is a word that should be able to capture exactly how I am feeling at this point in my pregnancy. It's like scared but it means so much more. It's not burdened but more like responsible. It could be classified as unqualified or maybe just unsure.

In some ways, I feel like over the past five months I have skipped forward five years. I am having a baby and the gratification of that is much deeper than some understand. It's hard. It is scary.

I am afraid. Afraid that I won't be able to be the best mom I want to be. Afraid that I won't be able to provide and support a child.

These are the best times, these are the worst times so the question may arise-how do you raise a child in times like these? How do you teach wrong from right? How do you protect from the harms of this world? How do you answer the inevitable questions of toddlers and how do you guide a teenager?What words do you say, how often do you remind them and when the time comes how do you explain?

Having a baby is much like jumping off a cliff over the ocean. Once you've made the decision to jump, you can't go back. There is thrill and excitement mixed with fear of the unknown as you plunge closer and closer to the water. Will it be cold or warm? Will the current carry you away? Will you sink or will you swim?

It's A Boy!!!!!

Last Friday was my first ultra-sound appointment. I had been looking forward to it for about a month and it was so exciting! I saw little fingers move and tiny feet, it was so awesome! The baby was really moving around and kicking allot. The doctor said that's great-an active baby is an healthy baby.
One of the first thing that the nurse asked was if I wanted to know the baby's sex. It was tough to decide; I spent the whole week going back and forth but when I finally got there I really wanted to know. And.... It's a Boy! It was quite apparent and as the doctor said,"He's a proud young man!"
Needless to say, I am becoming quite excited. I have a few pictures from the ultra-sound and they are so adorable! I can't wait to hold my baby- I've decided he's going to be a mamma's boy♥

Red, White...kick!

The Fourth of July has always been one of my favorite holidays. We did the usual this year, having family and friends over then heading off to see the Ralston firework display. This year was extra special for me.
After every loud boom I felt this tiny little bump on the inside of my tummy-baby kicks! It was a really strange feeling but it made me smile-there really is someone in there!

Bittersweet

Being pregnant has been the source of much joy for me...epically in the past month. Feeling the baby kick, hearing the heartbeat, looking for names. It is all wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for the world-not ever.
I am scared but excited, looking forward to the future but at the same time wishing for the past. See I would daresay that this is one of the hardest things I have ever faced; I have never felt so hurt. I think that is why some days feel so bittersweet.

More Cravings...

Pickles-on sandwiches or perfect for a mid-afternoon, morning, and evening snack!
Sauerkraut-best mixed with mashed potatoes and a dash of salt
Broccoli
Grapefruits(but they've always been a fave)
*Note To Self: Baby does not like spicy foods but mom can't get enough!

Fashionista Anyone?

It is said that with your first baby you don't "show" that much. Well, I am not too sure about that! The time has come where I am busting out of most every clothing item I own. Pants don't dare button around my ever expanding waste and my "melons" have become so large that my cute, low-cut tops are no longer acceptable to wear in public!
I sadly admit that I have traded my love of fashion, presently, for a more comfortable look. Gym-short cut offs and most anything with an expandable waste are paired with solid maternity t-shirts from friends and occasional tanks tops. I feel very "mommyish".
Fortunately, there is hope! Many maternity clothes now incorporate the most recent styles; Gone are the days of trying to hide the big belly. Fashion experts say to show it off! Fabrics that hug your belly are all the rage.
So, we may prefer a more comfortable look ( I know I do!) but there is no need to hide in the closet. Enjoying a variety or colors, fabric and styles, your pregnancy may become nine of your most fashionable months yet! Fashionista anyone?

You Just Don't Forget

It's hard to stop thinking about Chris lately. Maybe it's just because he's my baby's dad. Maybe it's because I still like him in some way. Maybe it's because I miss seeing him. I don't know. Maybe I just wish he would talk to me or make some ridicules effort to acknowledge this whole thing.
Whatever it is, I have come to the conclusion that you just don't forget about people like Chris. You don't forget about someone who helped make your baby, even if it was an accident. And years down the road, when he's long forgotten me,I'll still remember him because I'll have someone who will remind me every day.
So, I think about him less and less, but I'll always remember.It's not weird or creepy, it's just how it goes. You just don't forget.

Starting Fresh

It funny how you can get used to change so fast. Like the idea of having a baby or becoming a mom. It seems so natural to me now, that I'm pregnant. There are days when I look down at my belly, that seems to have enlarged rapidly over the past week, shake my head and for a moment wonder in disbelief how this came about. But over all I have become perfectly okay with the whole idea.
I have started saying things like "my baby" instead of "it", and have moved on from denial and regret towards a brighter future in which I get to meet this tiny being that I have become some what attached to. I praise god every day that in the midst of a really shitty situation He held me strong in the decision I made a long time ago. I still remember how strongly I felt about abortion...but that is another story and another blog for another day.
Something else that is slowly happening, and I mean real slow, is letting go of all the anger, and dare I say, hateful emotions that I have had towards Chris. As always, there are those days, but I feel a sort of peace and relief. I wish he didn't say some of the things he did, and I still have a general opposition to all men, but I am so ready to just forget about him in particular and move on.
There is some emotion that I just can't put my finger on. It is not as if I were in love with the guy or want him to like me. Of course I liked him, that's why I slept with him but I think it's this. I just want him to know what it feels like to be here, in the place I am, or the place I was.
I am really beginning to look forward to this change in my life. From now on I am leaving my past behind, all of it, and starting fresh.

Craving?

The thing everyone wants to know is what are you craving. And really I'm not craving anything. There are a few foods that sound particularly good though.
Peanut Butter
Frozen Coke Icee (I could drink one everyday)
Honey Nut Cheerios and/or Extra Crunchy Raisin Bran
Toast with black raspberry jam
Pasta
Tuna
I think out of all these the one I crave most is the coke icee! Especially now that it is getting hotter out. I eat Honey Nut Cheerios the most. Most everything sounds ok and doesn't make me sick but the one thing I can't stand is frying hamburger. The smell or raw hamburger is gross!

Now and Then

Thirteen weeks to the day, that's what the doctor said. I can't believe I am already beginning my second trimester...soon the third and then, wow! Some days I still can't believe that I will soon have a baby or even that there is a baby inside of me, but I'm getting used to the idea.
It seems so far away but when I think about how fast this past year has flown by, I know that before I realize it, Thanksgiving will be right around the corner(My due date is November 25th, right around Thanksgiving)! So, I have been thinking ahead a little, not too much because I know alto can happen and that scares me. It was comforting to hear my mom say that things can happen but God will protect my baby. I don't pray much any more, but I pray every night that He will protect my baby and keep it safe.
As I was saying, I have been thinking. Thinking about what it will be like to have a baby, about how things will change, how I will change. And I have been thinking about babies in general, specifically mine. Will it be dark? Will it be tiny? A girl or a boy (I'm sure it's a girl because whenever I talk about it I say, she. And, I really want a girl.I'd love a boy just as much but, I have one of my little sister's old baby shirts and it is so cute! It says love in cute, pink letters-I don't care if it is a boy, my baby's gonna wear it either way!)
I know it's along way off but to be honest, I can't wait to meet it. It see what it looks like, and to hold it. I suppose you could say I feel a little excitement now and then♥

Heartbeat

Today I had my first official doctors appointment. After today I am even more at ease with my doctor. She is really nice and calm and helps me feels relaxed about everything.
The exam this afternoon was the typical beginning with eyes, ears etc and ending with the pelvic exam-not the most fun thing in the world. The best part of the visit was last when I was able to hear my baby's heartbeat. She didn't find it at first and I was a little nervous plus I really was anxious to hear it. She called another doctor in to help her find it and once he did she let me hear it again.
It was amazing really, just amazing-I can't explain it any other way. I still can't believe there is a life inside of me and it is so tiny! I was really surprised how fast the heart was beating and how clear I was able to hear it.
I must say when I heard it I felt a little spark of excitement. I realized this is for real, I am having a baby. For a minute I forgot everything about this situation that makes me sad and I was excited and happy about this baby. I kept telling myself that this will be a good thing, a blessing. But after hearing the heartbeat I actually felt it for the first time.
I heard the fast whooshing-thump sound and as tears pooled in my eyes a smile spread across my face. I can't really explain the feeling I had. I was a feeling I have never had before for some I haven't even met or seen or even felt. It was just a sound. A heartbeat.

When You can't Breath

Yesterday, I guess you could say I lost it. It was a beautiful day outside and I was at school. There are times when I can hide my tears behind a somewhat happy face but ever since becoming pregnant, water shoots from my eyes like a fountain!
I saw Chris and his girlfriend and how damn happy they were and I broke down. I cried some sad but mostly angry tears. Angry at him and myself. It all finally hit me. Everything is changing, the rest of my life I will be a mom. I won't be able to visit Africa, spend a year in Belize or go to school out of state. I can't even afford an apartment how will I support a child? All of this, everything happened because of one night I spent with someone who doesn't give a shit about me. I was so angry.
And i hated him too. I hated, not that he got me pregnant cause it took the both of us, but I hate that he just said nothing. That he just walked away, couldn't even tell me to my face. I hate that he doesn't have to deal with anything. I hate that I actually thought he liked me. I hate that, no matter what he says, he used me and he is not the person I thought he was.
I can't explain how upset I was. By the time I got home tears and black mascara were pouring down my face and my heart was pounding so loud I couldn't even hear my own sobs. I ran in side and downstairs to the garage where I beat the shit out of my brother's punching bag. After a few minutes when I realized I couldn't even breath I went inside to my mom.
She let me cry and yell, she held me and told me that in time I would forgive Chris for everything he said and didn't do. She said it's understandable to to be upset, it hurts to be walked on.
Eventually my emotions were released and exhausted. I wonder sometimes how I will let go of getting hurt. I wonder if I will be able to say, Chris I forgive you for hurting me. It won't be today or tomorrow. It may in a few months or not until next year. But someday it will happen.

Days and Weeks

The weeks seem to be going by pretty fast but the days on the other hand seem to linger forever. I had my first nurse visit and I met my doctor. She is pretty nice and she has two kids of her own so she knows what it's like to be pregnant.
They took my blood, which I hate. I told the nurse that I can have someone stick a needle in my nose but when I see one go up my arm I tend to freak out a little! Also, I learned that I'm eleven weeks, almost three months which surprised me.
The part that was a little uncomfortable was when she had to ask about both Chris (I mind as well use the real name, he's not around to tell me not to. I know that sounds bitter but it's the truth) and I medical history. I knew all mine of course but obviously nothing about Chris.
I really only know a few things about him. He's not African-American, he's Fillipino (?) and Italian. His birthday is May 23rd and because of that his favorite number is 23. He's color blind, which I still think he was kidding me about. He lived in Orange County before moving here. He has an older sister and a mom, he never knew his dad.
Some people say that since he doesn't really know what it's like to have a father around he is just reacting to this situation in the only way he knows how. I don't think that justifies anything but I do feel bad for him. I remember he told me-I never knew my dad, It was hard but ya know.
So, my twinge of sadness for him didn't make it any less uncomfortable to have to explain to the nurse that I don't know anything about him. And when she asked, I answered No, he's not involved. She asked for his name and i didn't give it. She said I should put it down because then he would have to pay child support. I said I'd think about it but I'm not gonna put it down. Why force someone to do the right thing? Also, that would give him paternal rights and if he doesn't wanna be involved anyway, why should he have any type of rights to my baby.I'm afraid I sound a little bitter today but I'm just putting it like it is.
Besides the long days, the weeks continue to fly by. I'm looking forward to school being over and feeling better, no more nausea please, in the next month. If you think about it, I appreciate any good thoughts or prayers you could send my way:)

Baby Blessing

Baby Blessing, that is what my mom decided to call this little being inside of me. It's cute and fitting(besides I felt weird calling a baby "it" all the time). Most everyone that has found out has told me that giving life is always a blessing; it may not seem like it now but when do we ever see things as blessings?
It's taken me a while to warm up to the idea that this is a blessing and not an accident.There are times, like when I'm throwing up or feeling sorry for myself, that I feel this is the furthest thing from a blessing I've ever experienced. I think all the way back to Eve and curse her for eating that damn, delicious apple.
Then I think about tiny fingers and toes, I think about a little person being inside of me and I cry of course, but I also am captured by the wonder of it all. It is so far from my understanding, life is such an amazing miracle and I am caught in a moment of awe. That is when I think, that maybe, maybe everyone is right and maybe this is a blessing.

Letting Off Steam

I have days where I am sad, angry, hurt. I think about him and I just wanna smack him! I don't blame everything on him, even when I want to.
The thing is this. I hate how he can just walk away and forget about it.It hurts how he told me to get rid of it. Just because he doesn't want it, just because he thinks it is messing up his whole life, doesn't mean it isn't his.
I think, in a way, I am jealous. I'm jealous that he has the freedom to do what ever he wants and take no responsibility. That he can just pretend like nothing happened and continue with his life-everything as it was.
I hate that he gets to be so damn happy with his perfect skinny girlfriend. I hate that I'm hurt and to be honest I just hate that he can get away with this while I can't.
So here i am ranting and raving-letting off steam.

Promise to Protect

It is a strange feeling to find out you're nineteen and pregnant. I went through a few weeks of shock and denial but then in one moment I realized. I realized I am not just having this baby, I'm keeping it,it is mine, part of me. Someday this little being inside me will call me mom and that scares the hell out of me.
I wonder if I will be a good mom, if my baby will like me. I wonder what it will be like to have a baby and watch it grow up. I know nothing of raising kids or teaching them about life.
I told my mom the other day that nine months is not long enough to prepare someone to be a mother, or to even comprehend what that means. She wittily responded, "Honey, twenty years is not enough!"
In that moment when I realized that this was more than just being pregnant, I was given another feeling. A strong sense of protection. Maybe it's not the perfect situation in which I wanted to find myself pregnant and though I'm not excited yet, I feel the need and desire to keep this little person safe.
I will love and care for my baby with a promise to protect both now and the years ahead.

Juno

I'm not quite sure what it's like to feel pregnant but the first few times I suspected I was happened to be the night I went to see Juno.
JohnDoe and I were gonna go see a movie that night but he had sent me a text earlier explaining that something really important had come up. I wasn't sure how to take it, I believed him but in the back of my mind I was afraid he just didn't wanna hang out with me.
I was disappointed but I didn't want to spend my Friday night depressed so I gave my friend a call. She didn't answer and didn't respond to my txt so I was like screw this!
I was starving so I went and got some dinner then went to the ten o'clock showing. I guess you could say I felt pregnant then. I think It's because I cried during most of the movie and for some odd reason I felt like I could relate.

Positive

Two pink lines. Two goddamn pink lines. It didn't really register at first, in fact it still hasn't really registered.
I took a second test and I saw the same two pink lines again. I spent most of the afternoon trying to convince myself that the 99.9% accuracy label on the box meant nothing but I needed to know for sure so I scheduled a doctor appointment for the next morning.
I tried to hold back the tears as the doctor told me the test was positive. He was really nice about it though. He asked how I felt about abortion and I told him I feel very strongly that it is wrong. He asked other things like if I would keep the baby and I said yes. No matter the situation, I think life, or the potential for life, should be respected.
There was alot more on my mind that day. Like the fact that I could never tell him. And what if she found out. How disappointed will my parents be, what will people say or think?
I felt scared. I felt different like this couldn't be happening, I'm too young to deal with this, and I am so confused.

It All Started With a Kiss

Actually, It stared with a dare. A game. Who ever thought that an innocent game of truth or dare could get you pregnant?
"I dare you to tell or do something that would show me how you really feel about me", he said. I looked at him for a while, then leaned in and kissed him. Long and soft, he was amazing and can I mention, hott?
We pulled away and smiled like a couple idiots for a while then the next thing I know he was kissing me. I shouldn't have to explain the details of what happened next. It involved no clothes and alot more kissing.
I remember looking up from his bed to see a picture of his girlfriend on the wall and it hit me right there. He was in love with her and there would be nothing more than sex between us. I forgot about it for a while because I, honest to god, I liked it. He was nice to be with, I liked him, he was hott and I didn't care.
Two weeks went by, then three and I finally accepted the fact that it wasn't love just fun we were having. Still I didn't regret anything. I knew what I did and what he did was wrong. I kept thinking about his girlfriend and how she would feel if she knew but I pushed that out of my mind too.
After three short weeks we stopped hanging out. And then about a month and a half after we first played truth or dare, I took the test.
So, that's how it happened. It all started with a kiss.